This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Text me some of your sweat
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
