how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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