I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize