just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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