Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
