Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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