the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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