**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
