Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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