i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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