a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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