He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
