i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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