I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
