It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
