im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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