Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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