I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
