Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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