I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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