Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
