I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
