I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
