I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I would fuck him just for his dog
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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