she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
