Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
