12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
