Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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