I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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