you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize
