I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize