Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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