Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
