I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
