Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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