I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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