After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
