Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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