I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
