just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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