My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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