guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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