I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
