You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
