dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
