Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
