If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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