I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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