My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
