is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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