i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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