Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
