he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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