booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
