bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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