make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
