I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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