OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
