I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
