Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
