it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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