so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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