I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
