I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize