Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize