He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
