Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize