Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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