I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
